Day 4: Bionic Woman

Status: Ended
Premiered: September 26, 2007
Last Aired: November 28, 2007
Show Categories: Science Fiction, Drama
TV.Com Ratings Rank: 1,917 of 17,895
Episode: Sisterhood
Season: 1
Aired:10/10/2007

Ah, The Bionic Woman! I remember it well. It was the 70s and I was in my first decade of life. Lindsay Wagner was smoking hawt and could do that running thing even though she only had one bionic leg. I loved the noise she made when she ran, too. That was cool. I wonder which episode this is? Hopefully this will be one that the Bionic Dog is in. He was badassed! He be barking and kicking bionic ASS! WOO HOO! This is gonna be GREAT!

Whoa. What the fuck is this? This doesn't look like That 70s Show! Where's the 70s blowdried hair? Where are the cheesy neon 70s fashions? WHERE IS LINDSAY WAGNER?!?

A remake? Son of a bitch!

Previously on Bionic Woman: Starbuck is chewing up scenery, Jamie has a kid sister who's really smoking hawt (relax, guys, the actress is over 18, I did something very rare and actually fact checked before drooling) but who is pissed at the world, and that lawyer from Battlestar Galatica is in prison for some reason.

And we're off to the obligatory fight training scene. At least that hasn't changed since the 70s. Okay, okay, I'll admit that the new Jamie Sommers is hawter than that 70s one, but only because of the severe lack of blow dried hair. But at least Jamie finds out that she can circumvent her programming. Whatever the hell that means.

Jamie has lunch with her irritated kid sister, who for some reason eats her lunch with her left hand balled up and pressed against her face. Why in the hell would anyone eat with one hand pressed up against their face? Has she done time in prison and she feels the need to protect her face and plate? Does she have a giamongous zit she's hiding? It's a zit, isn't it?

Okay, they just stated in dialogue that the character is only 15 years old. But I swear to God I looked it up and the actress is over 18. Drool Mode: ENGAGED.

Jamie gets a call from her boss, who demands that she leave her sister at the table and go beat up a guy for ordering a falafel. I tried one of those once. He deserves his ass whipped. And he gets it whipped as Jamie catches his fist and then bounces his head off his own steering wheel. That's what you get for ordering falafels you crazy assed food eating chump! HA HA HA HA HA!!

In the next scene, Jamie's boss beats a lie detector worse than Jamie just beat the falafel eating chump. How did he do it? He's been married. AWESOME line. Heh heh heh.

The lawyer from BSG asks "can you explain the obsession people have with typing little messages to each other with their thumbs instead of just talking?" Huh. Maybe the point is to AVOID talking to people? Ever think of that? Nothing is more tedious than getting trapped in a 20 minute conversation about your girlfriend's Mom's cat when all you needed to know is what time she was coming over for dinner. But that question isn't about that, it's just what I call the TV Seinfeld Syndrome. Since Seinfeld popularized George Carlin's observational style of humor, every TV writer feels the need to insert some everyday observation into every episode. It makes them feel hip, I guess.

The BSG lawyer makes himself feel better by shooting Starbuck up with some Bionic Juice to stop her whining about going crazy. Bionic Juice would be kinda handy to have around the house for those times your old lady thinks she's going insane. This could catch on!

Meanwhile, Jamie is pissed to discover that her eyes are streaming video to her pervy boss as well as acting as a GPS so they always know where she is. For some reason, it doesn't occur to Jamie to just launch into a massive According To Jim marathon. That would ENSURE her boss never watches her streaming video again. Jamie probably discounts this because it would mean that she would have to sit through that same marathon. (shudders)

Jamie is ordered to babysit some rich Canadian bitch named Heaven (because it's oh so funny to name a rich snobby bitch something ironic like Heaven or Sweetikins.) so she goes over to house to talk to the rich snobby bitch's father. The father, who turns out to be just as bitchy as his bitchy daughter, orders Jamie to make sure his rich snobby bitch of a daughter doesn't drink, screw, smoke, suck, do drugs, masturbate, get a tattoo, or anything else even vaguely fun or overtly bitchy. So he apparently expects his rich snobby bitch of a daughter to sit around and play Uno or watch According to Jim.

Jamie celebrates her horrible new assignment by turning on some really horrid music and dancing around like a five year old, much to the annoyance of her sister Hawtie McOldEnough. This rightfully annoys Starbuck, who's peeping through their window from across the street. It's only a matter of time before she breaks out the Matthew Broderick smile chart. Both sisters are dancing now, further fueling the retarded male fantasy that when hawt women are alone in their apartments they dance around jiggling their sexy bods instead of watching the Lifetime Channel and eating Easy Cheese straight from the can. Pissed that these two oh so fine ladies are furthering that childish stereotype, Starbuck leaps across to their building.

Hey! How about a flashback to Starbuck speaking is a husky voice and driving too fast with some girl in the car? No? Okay, back to present day then! Jamie is feeding Hawtie McNonJailBait wine. Now THAT'S more like what women alone in their apartment do! Whoa, back to the flashback! Starbuck wrecks the car and kills what turns out to be her younger sister. Oh well, that's why pencils have erasers.

Now the sisters are talking about ... an old pet. Wow. Can roasted marshmellows and full body PJs be far behind?

Oh, thank God, Jamie's asleep and dreaming. Whoa, wait a minute, this is only the third episode in this series! No fair flashing back to previous episodes this early on! Stupid dream flashbacks. Fortunately Starbuck creeps in for a little one on one time with Jamie. Unfortunately, Starbuck breaks out the ole "I know you better than you know yourself" nugget. Can "This is only the beginning!" be far behind?

Their conversation is cut short so they set up a playdate for the park the next day. This pisses her boss off, but Jamie bitch slaps him a couple times and he agrees to let her keep the meeting. But not before mumbling something about Jamie not letting herself become a wall. Um, yeah, I've successfully kept myself from turning into a wall for 38 years now so I think Jamie can manage. But thanks all the same, Boss!

Speaking is walls, Starbuck beats the hell out of a random wall in the next scene. Maybe there's supposed to be a connection. Huh. Subtle.

Speaking of random, some random Secret Bionic Government Agency office nerd asks Jamie out on a date over the phone while she's babysitting Heaven and gets straight rejected. Nerd. What does he think this is, his own personal VR program? Jamie basks in the glow of being able to shoot the nerd down so much that she loses track of Heaven and has to go outside to look for her with her Bionic Red Circle Vision. A couple people are walking past the sidewalk, okay. Some fat old dude with a loud tie is walking down the sidewalk across the street, okay. Two very attractive women are standing against a row a nasty assed dumpsters. Ok- huh? WTF? They're hawt as hell, I mean, like really hawt. And they're just standing there right up against a long row of dumpsters that you just KNOW smells like Andrew Dice Clay's armpits. Just standing there! Not moving an inch! Huh, must be some kind of stank fetish. I'll look that up on the internet later.

Anyway, her boss calls her to ask about the two hawt women standing next to the dumpsters because he's as freaked out as I am. Jamie again protests the streaming video coming out of her eyes.

Pissed, Jamie uses her super ... oh sorry, Bionic hearing to find Heaven in a tattoo parlor. She has that playdate with Starbuck so Jamie takes Heaven to the Secret Bionic Building, where she gets asked what she's doing bringing Heaven into this secret facility. I dunno, ask your 16 levels of security who let me through with her, dumbass.

Jamie leaves Heaven with the lesbian secretary Ruth (it's not as hawt as it sounds) and goes to talk to that dude who was fired off some show you couldn't pay me to watch because he hates gay people (it's as retarded as it sounds). Hey, ever wonder why I don't bother to learn character names most of the time? The lawyer from BSG is named Anthony Anthros and Starbuck is named Sarah Corvus. Anthros and Corvus. Un huh.

Jamie and Starbuck meet in a trainyard because they couldn't find a pony express station within driving distance. The entire scene Starbuck has her face scrunched up like she's trying to hold in a fart. Or maybe she's trying to be ernest. Starbuck reveals that she was raised from the dead, which pisses off show runner David Eick all over again. (in the pilot commentary, one of the most bitter, angry, and entertaining commentaries ever, David Eick revealed this plot point as being one of many bones of contention between him and the other show runners)

As I watch yet another training montage and marvel at the reality that there are, indeed, some incredibly hawt English women in this world (I know, shocking, isn't it!) it occurs to me how much of a shame it is this series didn't last beyond six episodes. A couple of these training exercises a week and who needs Baywatch?

Starbuck shakes badly as she tries to eat beans straight from a can. I know, girl, WAY too much sodium in that shit. I'd be shaking too. Starbuck slams the beans down and goes the much more healthy route by just injecting her self with some Bionic Juice. Bionic Juice! If you're going shit smearing crazy, try our Bionic Juice! Now in raspberry!

Jamie takes Heaven to get a pedicure, or is it a manicure? Whichever one means that you have too much time and money on your hands. Starbuck shows up to chew more scenery and is quickly followed by four Serbian gangsters who insist they be the ones getting greatly annoyed by Heaven. They've got a Dora The Explorer DVD in their car all ready for her. Jamie proceeds to mop the floor with them while trading childish barbs with Starbuck, who sits by and watches. Four beefsteaks are a little much for Jamie to handle, so she begs Starbuck for help. Starbuck jumps in and much 2 on 4 action is had by all. The Serbians are quickly reminded that not only do we hate Serbia, we've never heard of it before now and we think all guys who live there are bitchy little girls. They're all passed out on the floor with female sized boot prints on their asses, so they don't argue.

As they leave the nail salon, Starbuck mocks Jamie for not knowing how to turn off her GPS and video streaming eye. "They look at you in the shower, you know." "Oh my God!" Jamie replies in a shocked little girl voice. Um, Jamie, these are the same dudes who injected your entire body with Bionic nanites. You were unconscious for days as they worked over your entire body nonstop. They've seen every part of your body, shaved every part of your body, and they even know what your toes smell like. I think we're past the "ZOMG they've seen me neekid in the shower!" stage, don't you?

Starbuck trains Jamie how to turn off her tracking device and streaming eye. Heaven keeps sticking her nose in, which leads to a couple great Starbuck putdown lines, such as "why don't you go hang yourself or something?" LMFAO But Jamie still refuses to help Starbuck, who storms off whining about how she's going to die without that help.

Jamie shrugs and drops off Heaven with her father. Heaven is thankful and submissive. It's funny, I remember her being MUCH more annoying the first time I saw this episode over a year ago. Maybe seeing the actress on Kyle XY since then has softened my opinion of her (her character is repeatedly awesome on that show) Anyway, the episode is almost over so Jamie calls Sisty McSnackable and says she's bringing home some Chinese food. Sure, you know that Starbuck knows where you live and that she's now very pissed at you, but take your time getting home! What's the worst thing that could happen?

Besides Starbuck sitting at the table with Sisty McLunchable when Jamie gets home? Fortunately, Starbuck has drugged Naivey McTrusting (I mean, who lets complete strangers hang out in their house five minutes after meeting them?) so that she'll be good and knocked out before Jamie has to throw down because it's too early in the series for Hawtie McInTheDark to know that her sister is Bionic. It's an old Smallville thing. Clark has to use his superpowers but someone he knows is in danger? No problem, knocked the hell out they come! Every time!

And yet ... they don't fight. They just talk. And not just ordinary talking, pure Hallmark garbage dialogue. In the end, Jamie finally convinces Starbuck that her sister is just way too hawt to kill. I, and every other red blooded male, agree, and Starbuck leaves quietly. By quietly I mean weepily mouthing more threats and paranoia, but for her that's quietly.

TO BE CONTINUED! Dun dun dun.

Um, I hate to break it to you, Bionic Woman remake, but no it's NOT.