Day 2: Once And Again

Status: Ended
Premiered: September 21, 1999
Last Aired: April 15, 2002
Show Categories: Drama
TV.Com Ratings Rank: 638 of 17,889
Episode: The Gingerbread House
Season: 1
Aired: 12/21/1999

Ya know, when a fat older man such as myself sits down to watch an episode of TV and the very first thing he hears is a Tori Amos melody, he immediately understands two things:

1) This is going to be a LONG fucking 45 minutes, dude.

2) Take two shots of the Lifetime Channel, stir in some Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and throw in a 30 Something chaser and you can approximate how much pain you're about to endure.

Buck up, because it's going to be as bad as you thought it would.

All jokes aside, though, I have to admit the single take, 90 second around and around and around opening Sela Ward slowly breaks down is a master class of both acting and camerawork. I can't imagine how many takes they needed to get is this perfect. It's very well done. Anyway, back to the pain.

Next we have the first (and only, oddly enough) interview segment. A clever idea for a drama, and it definitely sets this series apart from most of it's ilk, but it makes me too uncomfortable when they look straight at me. DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'M SITTING HERE NAKED ON MY SOFA AND I'M AS FAT AS I'VE EVER BEEN! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!
But maybe that's just me.

Ahhhh, Billy Campbell before he becomes the incredibly wifebeating controlling douchebag in Enough. Before he becomes the incredibly hairy and controlling douchebag in The 4400. And well WELL before he becomes the incredibly self absorbed and controlling douchebag in Ghost Town. I don't know how to act with him being so clean shaven and uncontrolling and undouchey.

I see the music for this episode is by W. G. Snuffy Walden. Okay, stop the show, we need to talk about this. That can't be a real name, right? Please tell me that's some John Smithy boolsheet cuz ain't nobody real EVER been named some shit like that. And just how bad did the W and G have to be for him to be too ashamed of that to spell it out while steady thinking that "Snuffy" was badassed and to be shared with the world? WTF has never been so fitting. But alright. Fine. The composer's name is W. G. Snuffy Walden.

You know what I want for Christmas from my TV shows? Really really long discussions about how hard it is to make gingerbread houses from scratch. Hey everybody! Jump on my back and I'll fly you away to TVland where single mothers raising two kids, working full time, and dating a new boyfriend during the Christmas season have time to bake a fucking gingerbread house FROM SCRATCH! Mama Brady thinks that's off the chain.

Sela Ward's chump exhusband shows up having already gotten the two daughters all excited about a log cabin visit for Christmas. That's the way back into her pants, buddy. Straight through your children. Assuming she was a complete moron who couldn't see that coming from a mile away, that is. Sela declines his generous offer. Sela 1, Blue Balls 0.

But enough of that soap opera, lets go visit Billy Campbell and his exwife and their two children. It's no coincidence that among the four children, three of them are female. That 3-1 female to male ratio also perfectly describes the audience for this show, the ratio of painful to cool moments, and the number of times I thought of hanging myself (3) with the number of times an adult females who were actually hawt appeared in the episode (1). Even Evan Rachel Wood, who's hawt now, was prepubescent back then. Damn the luck!

After Billy finishes a very snippy conversation with his exwife, he meets Sela for a late night rendezvous in which he springs his surprise gift on her: two tickets to some kind of fancy lodge. The perfect romantic getaway! Sela pisses and moans about what to do with the children, Billy grovels because it's been far too long since he's been able to really tap that ass hard so he amps up the pressure, but Sela breaks wide without giving him an answer. This leaves Billy and his blue balls suspicious as HELL. Sela 2, Blue Balls 0.

The next day Sela whines to her smoking fine sister Marin Hinkle (the one hawt woman on the show) that she doesn't know what to get Billy. Which is odd because he's already made it clear that all he wants to do is take her away to the lodge so he can TAP THAT ASS deep, hard, and continuous. I mean, DUH. After missing the obvious, Sela admits what's been bothering her all episode. At the end of the previous episode, after the closing credits, she slept with her exhusband. Which just proves what I already knew, Billy Campbell is only sexy enough to keep a woman when he's sporting his Jesus Beard. I mean, DUH. If Barry White were hair instead of panty dropping music, it would be Billy Campbell's Jesus Beard.

Anyway, Marin makes Sela swear that she'll never tell Billy that she cheated on him.

This becomes harder when Billy's son tells him he saw Sela out with her exhusband, but Sela tells Billy she hasn't seen her exhusband for days. Confused yet? Let me simplify. The bitch stepped out and then lied about it, yo, but she's straight busted because Billy's backup snitched her out like the lying ho she is!

Billy and his even bluer balls are even more suspicious as HELL as he rants to his work bro the next day. Having caught her in a lie, Billy eats Christmas cookies and rants about how he can't trust her now.

Oh enough of that manly heart to heart, let's have some more gingerbread house baking! As noted in this scene, making food for decoration instead of for eating is an insult to all that is obese! I know, I know, this scene is really about how Grace, the eldest daughter also knows her mommy's a cheating whore but I can't get beyond this waste of perfectly good gingerbread cookies.

Two excruciatingly awkward conversations between Billy and Sela later, he confronts her about her lie and she admits it. She was with her exhusband but she wasn't WITH him. It's one of those logic puzzles that certain scatterbrains seem to get away with from the sheer force of their tardation. The more you argue with them the more THEY seem like geniuses and YOU seem like the short bus kid. So, as Billy does here, you just drop it because you're exhausted.

After Sela has a panic attack at the mall (either because she's spending too much money or because Grace saw her kissing her ex, she can't seem to make up her mind which), it's back to more gingerbread house cooking. Look, I love a good metaphor as much as anyone but can it at least be one that isn't stupid? Yes, we know, she's obsessing over this stupid cookie house because the cookie house isn't really a cookie house. Billy saves us by showing up to smell her cookies. Well, and to tell her in a very sweet way that he trusts her even though she lied to him.

Her reply? "I slept with Jake." The look on Billy Campbell's face at this is AWESOME! Aw man, it's all worth it for this! 30 minutes that felt like 300, but this is spectacular! But she doesn't stop there. "I don't even know how it happened, and I'm not sure I even think it was completely wrong." as Billy's face melts more and more. Cute, loyal puppies being kicked down stairs haven't looked this crushed. Kittens being teased with catnip bags only to get smacked in their cute little mouths haven't looked this crushed. I take it all back! It's all worth it and this show is AWESOME! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Billy leaves to contemplate how unwise it was to not grow out the Jesus Beard in this series.

The next night, Christmas Eve, the exhusband comes over to grovel for more sex. Apparently Sela is supermom in bed because everybody wants a nice warm slice. Again she denies a hungry man. Sela 3, Blue Balls 0.

Oh yeah, apparently there's been a subplot all episode about the youngest daughter Zoe still believing in Santa Claus and during this fight about the ex wanting Sela's hawt ass Zoe discovered that her father, the ex, has been pretending all these years to be Santa Claus. But this is really a metaphor for the older daughter finally accepting the fact that her parents are never getting back together. This might feel a little less heavy handed if the two girls didn't have their revelations within ten seconds of each other, but probably not. But then again maybe I'm just angry about everyone eating Santa's cookies except for me. But then again, my rage is probably fueled by the obligatory snowfall that happens right at cue because, you know, this is a Christmas episode. Ugh. Gag me with a snowball.

The gingerbread house ended up looking like ass, but the cracks and mistakes on it are held together by the metaphor so it's allllll good. The sister, Marin, shows up to confirm that the gingerbread house looks like ass. Sela reveals that she told Billy about the indiscretion. Marin responds by peering through the gingerbread house and says, "Wow, there's a tiny little gingerbread woman in there, putting a teeny-tiny gumdrop gun to her head because she didn't listen to her sister." Close enough, it's actually a really fat gingerbread man sitting in front of a TV with a teeny-tiny gumdrop gun to his head, but whatever.

Sela puts on her gingerbread coat and rushes out to talk to Billy. What follows is one of the most pathetic attempts at an affair apology ever captured on film. Predictably, it fails. Billy is pissed and he's not having it. He walks away from her as she sobs out his name. The episode ends on her tear streaked face.

YES! YES! They're not getting back together! WOO HOO!! This nauseating couple has broken up forever! YES! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!! This is awesome! I love it! Hold on to that grudge forever, Billy, you magnificent bastard!

Oh, wait, this is a chick flick series. They're obviously getting back together. Merry Fucking Christmas!